I guess everyone has buttons. I cannot say that I am proud of mine.

The past few years have been great years for me, yet I have this Achille’s heel that casts a shadow over me. There are some things in life that get my hackles up. I do not like elevated hackles. This blog entry is a gift I am giving myself. Perhaps, if I put to words my thoughts on this and give my “buttons” labels, their power will be diminished.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I believe in self-awareness and self-improvement. Some times that is an easy path; a gentle stroll through a pleasant meadow. Some times that involves scaling a steep peak, overcoming some personal obstacle in an attempt to climb to the summit and see over the obstacle and observe the view on the other side.

Lately, I have noticed an trickle of negativity seeping into my daily life. Left unchecked, a trickle can become a current, then a torrent. I like the analogy of flowing liquid. Much like flowing water, negativity can erode the most stable of foundations and steadfast of values. I will attempt to give name and face to the currents that jeopardize my foundations…

Ultimatums
Here is big red button number one with me. When someone gives me an ultimatum, it is as if they are removing my ability to make choices. I am a strong believer that we are all a product of our choices, so this strikes me as a great affront. I am not pleased with the feelings or reaction an ultimatum elicits from me. I will strive to remove the power this has over me. I do not need to consider this as an attack on me or my integrity. I need to putty this small trickle and stem the flow of negativity.

Armchair Quarterbacks
This on is a real doozy. We all know people who cling to the comfort of routine. Sometimes that is good, sometimes that is bad. There are those who wish to maintain the status quo because they fear change or are intimidated by it in some fashion. This would not even be an issue, were it not for the fact that I organize a lot of events and gatherings. I am constantly seeking ways to improve how I do things. Apparently, that is quite unsettling for some people. The latest manifestation of this happened when I established the discussion forums at http://forums.bixby.ca as a means to organize boardgame nights and poker games. Some people offered mild resistance and others were quite passionate with their objections. In both cases I was offered criticism on what I was doing.

Now, as a person, I like criticism. It is feedback, it is information, it is knowledge. That is a good thing. The rub for me comes when people offer criticism on what or how you are doing something but they are content to sit on the sidelines and do nothing. I do not know why that offends me, I guess I view it as people who do nothing often find fault with people who do something. This is similar to the armchair quarterback who has never thrown a football, let alone played in a high pressure situation of an actual game where there are a bunch of 300 pound monsters bearing down on you trying to prevent the play. I feel one has to earn the right to offer criticism.

There I vented on that. I feel better. Still, my lesson in this is one of developing indifference. If people do not want to change, I must simply let them be, give a deaf ear to their protestations, and stay the course of my chosen path. Today I stop in my tracks and try to understand their feelings of uncomfort or I try to convince them of the merit of the change. That is not my responsibility and I need to divest myself of getting personally wrapped up in these discussions. They generally leave me feeling frustrated and they are a source trickle of negativity in me. I must strive to remove the power of the armchair quarterback. Their comments are not an assault on me or my path, I need to maintain perspective on this.

Something For Nothing
This will be the last point I discuss today. I think three buttons is enough for me to focus on at one time anyway. I tend to be a generous person. I enjoy sharing things and success with those around me. I do not know why, but I seem to over compensate. It is very important to me, that as I go through life, I pay my own way. This manifests in a variety of ways, whether it is opening up my beer fridge to those who visit regularly, donating to causes and supporting events other people undertake, giving away items I own and no longer need, or picking up the tab at a restaurant or bar. So far, this is a good thing, where’s the rub?

I wonder if that approach to life can create situations that cause me problems. Every once in awhile, I get a feeling that some of my relationships in life get a bit one sided. Then I start to feel resentment. With most relationships, there is a gentle give and take where everyone contributes in their own way and the karma account is in perpetual balance.  In some rare instances though, this is not the case, the balance sheet of karma hits an imbalance and I start to feel that I am being used. I wonder if my giving nature has created these rare situations? In any case, when this happens, I tend to pull back and withdraw from the person. The distance is obviously something I need, in order to quell my resentment. Once again, I am concerned that the trickle of negativity can erode something I value. I really need to recognize this before the imbalance gets to a point where I start to harbour feelings of resentment. My lesson is to take corrective action earlier and stop a pattern before it becomes habitual. Setting good boundaries with some people will be my best course of action.

There. Three challenges. That ought to keep me busy for awhile.
Namaste.