Gratitude – Day 84 (Anxiety)

Sometimes, even I wonder at my choice of topic for a gratitude blog post. Lately, I feel anxiety has been coming to call. I think there are a number of things going on right now that are causing anxiety. The weird thing is that I am processing and handling this fairly well. I want to touch and highlight on some of the things on my mind today and use this opportunity to explore my sources of anxiety and reaction to those things.

First and foremost is mom. As I write this, she is at a Halifax Hospital. She is having a crucial scope and procedure to see how effective the treatment for the bladder cancer was. In addition, the pathology reports should be available. Today we learn that Mom has beaten this, or is still faced with the battle. I feel I should be there with her and I am very concerned for her. I could hear her worry over the phone last night. Tugs at my heart, she really just needed a hug.

Everything else I have in front of me pales in comparison to that, but it does tend to add up. Also as I write this, our furnace is being replaced. The cost to repair it was going to be significant and no guarantee that it would solve our furnace woes, so might as well replace it. We have been without a functioning furnace for almost 4 months. No big deal, but the A/C is tied to the furnace so it is no longer functioning. Air conditioning is one of the ways I can control and mitigate the suffering of seasonal allergies. The allergies are bad this year. All of the rain followed by this heat wave means anything and everything is in full bloom. I at least will be seeing an allergist in the days ahead to see about better treatment options. I am still recovering from a bruised rib, should be fully healed in another couple of weeks. Thankfully, it never hampered my ability to go backpacking. Three days on a sleeping pad started to accelerate some aches and pains though. I did, however, find out that my knee pains if I do too much steep downhill hiking. The pain is located in the place where I broke my leg a few years ago. I need to jump on this with physio so I can make sure I maintain maximum mobility and flexibility. Hopefully, this is treatable with a regime of exercise and stretches. I am concerned about canoeing for a week up North. That is coming up quickly. I want to make sure that my body aches are at a minimum and I can handle a sleeping pad for a full week.

Back to monetary concerns. The fence project is almost done and coupled with the furnace replacement, this will be an expensive month. Bad planning on my part. Property taxes, vehicle insurance, house insurance all occur this time of year. Coming home from Alberta to find three rocks thrown through our living room windows was an unexpected surprise too. I am sure that will cost a bit to repair. We committed ourselves to some travel in August, September, and October this year and it all feels very hectic. In addition to the travel costs, the time away from work hurts the pocket book. Additionally, I have been helping mom with some of her movement expenses and her new apartment is costing more monthly than her previous residence. I am trying to find a way to transfer money from my Scotia bank account to her Royal bank account on a monthly basis and the banks seem stymied by how to automate this. Absolutely silly that they cannot handle this request. I may have to set up a Paypal account for mom to do this. Bizarre. One more thing, the A/C on the truck is broken and will cost over a$1000 to repair. Along with tires and some other  items with the truck that will be coming up for repair / replacement, it is time to sell the truck and get a newer vehicle. We depend on the truck too much for longer excursions to have it slide into a state of unreliability. I absolutely hate buying vehicles. They cost a lot and the whole process takes a phenomenal amount of effort and energy. Additionally, I am starting to seriously consider what my next career shift will be and with everything else going on, that just feels really big right now. I enjoy what I am doing professionally, I just need to do more of it.

Back to mom, my sister Bonnie just informed me via text that mom just went into surgery. That is really the only true concern right now. Everything else is just fluff. Love you mom. Be strong.

So, why do I write and expound on these tales of woe for a gratitude blog post? I am handling things remarkably well. I have never handled anxiety very well; I tend to get overwhelmed in times like these. I withdraw and re-focus. This time, I am shrugging my shoulders and simply resigning myself to the fact that that most of these items are beyond my control so I need to make sure my energy is not spent fretting about those items and is instead spent to focus on mitigating the impact of these items. I am surprisingly calm. I am thankful that I have more perspective and resilience to life’s struggles. Additionally, compared to most people on this planet, my worries are petty and insignificant in contrast to the monumental struggles some people face every day of their lives. So, even though I feel like I have some challenges, I feel like they are going to be met with strength and dignity, that is all I can ask for.

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.  ~ Leo Buscaglia

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