Lace Up.

That is a phrase that I picture boxers using when they don their gloves, runners using when they put on their running shoes, athletes of various sports would understand this.

It is my time to Lace Up.

You see, writing has been very difficult for me this past seven months. I have been in a fog and in a funk when it comes to writing. It can be a struggle to wrap words and sentences around a though or feeling. In some ways, I have become inarticulate in written form. Time for me to take pen in hand and lace up. (Other than I do not need shoes for this and I am typing instead of writing). But I digress…

I am honoured and humbled that my daughters have not dropped the mantle on the #BixbyFifty challenge that was issued last April. A friend of mine, Murray, continues to make gratitude postings with that hashtag as well. It is like I passed the ball then went and sat on the bench. Time to Lace Up.

Truth is that I am very grateful for what I have in life, the people in my life, and who I am. This post is merely to re-open a door that I have had closed too long. It is my call to write about gratitude on a regular basis. Make gratitude a mindful purposeful act in my life.

No other words of wisdom to impart, I hope that they come unbidden to me in the days ahead…

Life is a bit of a dull roar these days. Lots of changes going on in various areas of my life. Nothing big and nothing bad, just lots of things that require my focus and attention. Some projects around the house, getting my consulting business going, some travel, summer plans, fundraising, some conflict management, the whole SaskGames suite of initiatives, etc. These are all positive things, it is that I find I do not have much capacity left over for zen-like ponderings. My mind seems to crave some downtime for philosophical musings and reflection. I am sure that I will hit stride again soon, this is just a point and time I happen to be at now. It is generally when life is busy that I get a tad rundown, when I get rundown, sickness pays me a visit.

Every once in awhile, sickness comes to call. It paid me a visit on Monday night and it is kicking my ass. I have a nasty head / throat cold that is slowly making its way to my chest. I seem to be quite functional through the day, but it gets much worse at bed time and it is the absolute worst in the early morning. This morning my ears were aching and throbbing and it was coupled with sharp pain in my throat and head. Now why of why would I post this on a gratitude blog? That is easy for me to answer…

I am a relatively healthy person. I have all my limbs, All of my organs function, I do not suffer from any chronic or debilitating diseases. Periodic sickness is a great reminder that we have so much to be thankful for. This cold, although unpleasant, brings to mind how fortunate I truly am. There are many people who suffer with serious chronic ailments. I want to view this temporary pain and discomfort in that light. It will soon pass and I will feel better again. Hopefully, this gratitude will temper my whining so Kathy does not suffer as well. 🙂

Today I would like to get back into my gratitude journey by giving thanks to Huxley & Phyllis. Kathy’s folks live in New Brunswick, so we do not get to see them as often as we would like to. Every time we do see them though, there are plenty of laughs and fond memories are made. We were lucky enough to spend a week and a half with them in NB recently. Lots of laughs, a few beers, and team rye even had a brief reunion playing a few games of Sequence. Apparently though, team rye just could not hold their own against the force of the ladies. Next time!!

I truly enjoy my time spent with Kathy’s family. I only wish we could get together more frequently. So, today, on day 21 of my gratitude journey, I want to take this time to hoist a glass and give thanks to two incredible people. They have welcomed me into the family warmly, openly, and fully. I am honoured to be part of the family. Looking forward to our next get together.

It has been awhile since I posted. I seem to have lost some momentum with this gratitude journey. I will let it happen when and how it needs to. I cannot make this a “forced” To Do item on a list of To Do items. If I made writing obligatory, it would be a betrayal to the values of my personal gratitude journey. A very important ingredient of gratitude is acceptance. I accept that I will walk this journey at a pace that is write right for me.

So, today, without forethought of what the topic would be, I have accidentally arrived at acceptance. So be it. I suspect my personal experience is similar to many others. Acceptance comes easy when you apply it externally, but not so easy when you apply it internally. We all tend to be self critical. Considering the amount of time we spend with ourselves, all of it, that is quite tragic. Acceptance wears many faces and I would like to delve into what that means to me.

I am grateful that I am accepting of diversity. I judge people solely on how they treat the world around them, including how they treat me. Their skin color, their gender, their race, their culture, their age, their physical ability, their sexual orientation, their socioeconomic status… are all completely irrelevant. Demographic labels should be limited to statistical analysis and not for ingraining practices grounded in bigotry, judgement, or fear mongering. When we can get by the labels we place on people, we start to see the people.

Another form of acceptance that is important to me centers around deciding what I will and will not accept into my life. I have not always had healthy boundaries. Without boundaries, we may allow others to treat us with disrespect. Without boundaries, we may experience an abuse of trust that leads to dysfunctional relationships with those around us. Patterned behaviours from our youth tend to doggedly follow us into adulthood. One of my greatest challenges is around forming boundaries, adhering to them, and accepting that its is not only my right, but my duty to myself to do so. When we allow abuse in our life, in whatever form it takes, we essentially are devaluing ourselves. When we do that, we can hardly be accepting of who we are. We are letting the world tell us who we are. I guess what I am trying to say, is that in order to be accepting of myself and my own foibles, I had to adjust the signal to noise ratio of my environment. In many cases that has involved disconnecting from the toxic behaviours of people in my life, and in some cases, disconnecting from the person altogether. My gratitude in this regard is that I know that I have the intestinal fortitude to make tough decisions with regards to my own boundaries. I have the capability of saying no, and that is quite empowering. I have made many tough decisions through the years, and those decisions have give me the foundation of self acceptance, self respect, and the knowledge that no matter what life offers, I am capable of steering my ship through the storm. Thinking about it, self-acceptance is a foundation block for self respect and self confidence.

“You have peace,” the old woman said, “when you make it with yourself.”
-Mitch Albom

Travel is an odd beast for me. I remember when I was a young lad, I dreamed of far off lands and all sorts of places I would go to when I was an adult. This was not merely around North America; my scope was truly global in nature. I have been very fortunate to travel to a number of places. I feel quite blessed. It is strange though, that at this point in my life, my desire to travel is much much less than it used to be. A number of factors I guess. I think I will explore these thoughts a bit on the blog today.

First of all, I am going to take a brief inventory of some of my travel to help me gain context.

• I have lived in four of the ten Canadian provinces. (Alberta, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and Saskatchewan).
• I have traveled to nine of the ten Canadian provinces. I really must visit Newfoundland to make it ten.
• I have been to many of the states in the USA, (I guesstimate that I have been to about 40 of the states).
• In addition to Canada and the USA, I have been to Mexico, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, England (& Scotland), Germany, Italy, Belgium, & Austria.

Thinking about that, it really seems like a lot of travel. When I consider some of my boyhood dreams of seeing… the great Pyramids, the Great Wall of China, the Australian outback, the Roman Colosseum, Taj Mahal, Moscow, Greek Islands, Spain, France, Casablanca, Dublin, and on and on and on…
…it would seem that my travel has a lot of ground to cover yet.

Truth is, my desire to see many of these things has greatly diminished. I think there are a few good reasons for this. Firstly, I really enjoy being at home. We entertain a lot and being enriched by friends is certainly a big factor in enjoying the simplicity of being home. Additionally, there are many truly wondrous things to discover in our part of the world. A days drive can have me in the Rocky Mountains, at Yellowstone Park, a host of Canadian National Parks, up North in the lake country of the Canadian Shield, the badlands, the Black Mountains, and many other places. Add another day of driving and the reach is extended to many more wonderful places. There is an incredible amount of exploring to do without having to travel to far.

Additionally, the inter connectivity of people on a global scale has taken some of the mystique out of travel. The internet means I can Google information and images about places afar any time I want. Add in the connection to people in far off places via social media tools and it is easy to learn about cultures and places without the need to travel there. It is not a substitute for travel, but it does satiate some of the appetite and curiosity for travel.

One other thing that affects my desire to hop on a plane is that fact that I love road trips. I find that my desire to travel is starting to increase for road trips and decrease for air travel. It is the journey as mush as it is the destination. There is so much more to see and experience in a road trip.

I am not done traveling. There is still a lot of the UK & Europe that I wish to explore. Those trips will happen when the time is right. In the meantime, I am very grateful for the opportunity I have had to travel and explore to date. Travel has not only broadened my horizons, it has exposed me to various cultures and viewpoints for which I am eternally thankful. Also, traveling has given me a deeper appreciation for home. It is always great to go wandering, but it is even better to come home. So many things to count as blessings.

“Travel makes one modest. You see what a tiny place you occupy in the world.”
― Gustave Flaubert

Mother’s Day has come and gone once again. Anyone who has followed my writing from the early days, knows that I have written a few times about mom. Here are a couple of the more focused entries.

Previous gratitude journey (Day 51)
The hardest thing I have ever had to write

Well, today I am writing about mom again. Last week, (Monday I believe), Mom’s headstone was installed on her grave. I would like to thank Brandi Myles-Hutchison for going to the cemetery and taking the following picture.

This is another milestone for me. Mom passed away in December of 2011 and I just got this looked after. I feel bad for not dealing with this sooner. Truth is, it was just another difficult step in the process of saying goodbye. Like I mentioned in a previous entry, I can now look back at all of the fond memories without that deep sting of loss.

Today, I am thankful for a few things. Firstly, I am grateful that the mom’s gravesite is now marked with a headstone. It really took awhile to decide on a design and style. Everything felt so inadequate, but in the end, it was just my own feelings getting in the way of making a decision. Secondly, I am very grateful for Brandi. Brandi is my niece who lives in Pincher Creek, (daughter of Phil & Roberta). She has a very strong sense of family and has a large loving heart. Knowing she was there to inspect the headstone and take pictures was really important to me. Finally, I wish to give thanks and acknowledgement to my own process and grief cycle. This took a bit of time to get looked after and I am okay with that. I am not going to beat myself up over trivial things. It is symbolic that this occurred so close to Mother’s Day. This past weekend was spent outside working in our yard, something Mom dearly enjoyed. I also toasted her memory with a can of Alexander Keith’s. It is a small gesture and a silly ritual, but that simple can of beer brought back many fond memories of the adventures I shared with mom.

Thanks mom.

It is Thursday. This morning as I drank my coffee I saw a few TBT postings on Facebook. For those not in the know, TBT means Throw Back Thursday. Generally, it is an opportunity to share an old photo on social media of some point in time captured years ago. Personally, I think TBT is a fun look back at those yesteryear moments. I have never made any TBT postings myself, which is odd, considering the large volume of photographs I have in digital format. Pondering this over coffee this morning made me look at my own relationship with nostalgia.

I used to be extremely nostalgic. I made a point to attend every high school reunion, I would hold family keepsakes very dear, and I kept memories of bygone days in a state of reverence. I used to.

What happened?

Well, I think we all have our own journey of self exploration to walk. We all have the same amount of focus to spend any way we like, that can be Past, Present, or Future. Looking back at my own modus operandi over the years, I see that my own focus has shifted and changed. Allow me to get abstract for a moment.

1980-1982: 10% Past  /  35% Present  /  55% Future
1983-1986: 30% Past  /  20% Present  /  50% Future
1987-2011: 40% Past  /  20% Present  /  30% Future
2012-2014: 15% Past  /  50% Present  /  35% Future

1980-1982: When I was a teenager, my focus was much more immediate; instant gratification. I never had much of a fascination with the past, and I was not very nostalgic. I was quite a bit of a dreamer, so my thoughts were full of future plans and ideas. The future was my prevalent focus.

1983-1986: My late teens and early twenties saw a growth of focus on the past, but realistically, I was still mostly preoccupied with future plans and dreams.

1987-2011: I spent many years of my young adult life into my forties being a somewhat nostalgic person. Being analytical, I was looking at my past and thinking about what it meant. I held memories very close, a way to go back perhaps. I never missed a high school reunion, I connected with scores of people on social media. I viewed the past as something to hold in high regard, cherished memories and relationships.

2011-2014: Mom passed away late 2011. Mom and I were very close. She was a close friend as well as my mother. Her passing hit me pretty hard for a variety of reasons. For a full year and a half after mom passed away, I would have daily thoughts and memories, and quite often they would be accompanied by a pang of loss or sorrow. For me, that was quite an extended grieving period. I still think of mom often, but the sting of sorrow has been replaced by warm memories and thoughts of great times shared. I think a by-product of this period of grieving was me letting go of nostalgia. We can’t go back. We can hold memories dear, but we can never go back. Sounds simple, but it is a subtle realization for me that I do not need to try and hold the entirety of my past to cherish portions of it. I did not go to my largest high school reunion; the 30th. I just never felt the need. Around 2011, I disconnected from a bunch of people on Facebook. I felt like I was clinging to relationships, memories, and linkages to the past that were stagnant. They were caught in a particular moment in time with little opportunity to move forward. (Or maybe that was me). In any case, I withdrew from a number of connections and a number of things. I realize now that I started to abandon those things in the early 2000’s, but it was mom’s sickness and passing that crystallized the shift for me. Dear ma, you crafty wise gal, you are still giving me life lessons. My focus these days is much more in the present. At least that is what I like to think. I still value friendships old and new, but I am less likely to maintain connections with people if we cannot grow our friendship into modern days. By that, I mean I cherish adding new memories that accompany my old ones. I will happily sit down and have a beer to reminisce, but it would be even better if we could do something new. You know, maybe we can create additional opportunities to reminisce in the days ahead.

So, here we are on a Thursday. And to honour TBT I will share a picture.

I am thankful for my past. I am grateful for the friendships I have had, and still do. I am thankful for the many fond memories of silly adventures, travels, gatherings, gaffes. Mostly, today I am thankful that I can be more present these days than I have ever been. Moments today are now more precious. I believe that I am learning to appreciate my past within the better context of the present.

“T’is better to appreciate today today, than to lament yesterday tomorrow.”